Giant Manatee Jones

Election Means No Erection

2006-11-09T16:27:00.000-05:00

The problem with elections is that they're just not interesting after the first five minutes. Sure you can giggle at some of the silly names, the fact all women politicians look exactly alike, in their power suits and that hair...where do you get that haircut they all sport and does it have a name and can we maybe vote on abolishing that sometime please? As for the guys, is it a boring suit contest because in all honesty, there are suits out there that look like they were made this century, yet still manage to look smart, modern and professional.

Also the fluffy toupe and ultra white teeth, gentlemen? One word. NO.

The thing about elections is it's just a big struggle for people all over the country to grab some glory while other people - the public - try their best to get rid of the festering entity currently in power because they neglected to turn the world into a better, safer place where we all got rich and bought mansions and expensive shoes and fed the poor, forgetting totally that the next actual government, whoever that will be in a year or so, will be just as hopelessly inept and stupid in their own way and nothing will really be accomplished at all.

I was happy to see so much of the country taken by the Democrats, only because this meant it wasn't taken by the Republicans, but that's it. I happen to think the Democrats couldn't find their collective penis (or vagina!) with a diagram and a flashlight, but I have to admit that they're not George Bush's Republicans and that has to be at least one rung further up the ladder. It has to be or we're doomed. Frankly, at least with the Republican government we have currently you know the evil you're dealing with. You know they're going to try to destroy all the civil rights you hold dear and destroy half the world in the name of "peace", but with the Democrats, they'll just probably sit back and watch other people destroy it for them while roasting marshmallows.

Tuneful Hurricanes

2006-10-23T11:48:00.000-04:00

First Crazy Hurricane John threatened the Baja with his wrath, now here comes Crazy Hurricane Paul to do similar. No word yet on when George and Ringo are making an appearance...

When Lazy is Busy

2006-10-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

Giant Manatee Jones is busy being lazy. Although, not lazy enough to cease whooping it up over on Live Journal. However, all being well laziness shall abate tomorrow.

Random Celebrity Musings

2006-09-22T10:36:00.000-04:00

My fascination with celebrity gossip continues. When I say "fascination" I don't mean to imply that I enjoy it - it's more of a morbid fascination, a fixation with train wrecks. Part of me, the compassionate side that comes out at moments of extreme weakness or bewilderment, feels a little bad for these people of celebrity, whose every movements are catalogued by the paparazzi, whose every change of hair style, or ludicrous designer outfit or new romance is out there for the world to see, but the rest of me - the real, heartless, cynical me - that part of me could really not give three shits about the feelings or privacy of these people because these people chose to do what they do, fully knowing the scrutiny their lives would be subjected to. That part of me is like, "Screw it, you asked for it! You earn millions of dollars and live a privileged life, you can put up with a little annoyance!"

Of course paparazzi are scum also, but whatever.

Talking of celebrities, I'm beyond creeped out by those Simpson sisters and their uber-creepy ex-reverend father. What the hell are they all about? You have one sister who's got stakes in fake tan and teeth whitener, who can't seem to pose without looking like someone with a spine complaint - what's with the sticking the boobage out in people's faces like that anyway? - and another who can't seem to stay away from the plastic surgeon's knife.

The real scary thing is their father, who not only spouts forth on his daughter's ample cleavage, but who, scarily, looks more like Gary Busey every day. There's something wrong in that family. I mean what dude pimps his daughters in provocative poses to the paparazzi? What a creepy old asshat.

Take Me To Your Leader

2006-09-19T13:46:00.000-04:00

Mr. Bush's Irritable Bowel Syndrome is playing up again, causing him to get paranoid that Muslims everywhere are about to either revolt and leave the USA or stay and try to blow it up. He's not sure which of these two things are the worse option, after all he has to consider the "'conomy". Keeping the "'conomy" healthy might be worth a few "explodations".

Most of all he is keen to stress that what America wants is PEACE, ok, not war, not chocolate, not Donald Trump...peace. He mentions nothing about what he wants, i.e., a quick lesson in irony.

He tells the Iraqis, "We will not abandon you in your struggle to build a free nation." He didn't bother pointing out that we'd have no problem "dismantling" your country beforehand either and maybe allowing it to flood with non-Iraqi insurgents who will kill Iraqis, Americans and any other nation who doesn't embrace Fanatical Muslim extremists.

He also has a little hissyfit over Iran and their weapons threat, which is a fairly severe threat, considering his idea of what to do about such a looming danger pretty much runs to telling the Iranians to stand down their weapons and play like good children or he'll send the U.N. over there to kick their ass.

Giant Manatee Jones is already popping the corn and chilling up a six pack, waiting for the entertainment to start.

The Terrorists Have Won

2006-09-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

I have noticed that the Brits have gotten over the whole threat of being blown up by terrorists pretty fast. Only a month ago, after discovery of a plot by terrorists to board U.S. bound jetliners carrying explosives hidden inside everyday liquids such as beverages or shampoos, everyone rolled their eyes at the inconvenience of the fact they had to get to the airport earlier and check in their cabin luggage which, on average, measures in at approximately the same size as a small condominium.

You see passengers aren't the real problem. Or indeed a concern for most airlines. The fact is money - profit - is what caused these terror measures to be shelved. The subsequent delays were costing the airlines, and ultimately the Government, money. When it comes down to it, airlines would much rather face the small risk of having a few passengers exploded in mid-air (after all, don't they have insurance for that sort of thing?), than lose a lot of money paying screeners to work longer hours and security people to do similar and for possibly air delays and better screening equipment.

Much as I sigh every time a new security measure is announced, I'd really much rather I can get to my destination late with all body parts still attached than not at all.

iCould But iWon't

2006-09-12T14:27:00.000-04:00

When I bought my iPod back in 2001, I would just sit and look at its clean, crisp, white body, its sleek, shining, silver back, its scroll wheel and four surrounding buttons and I'd think, "wow, how can all that music fit on that one tiny little rectangle!" It still astounds me, even though nowadays you can't buy a regular iPod with that small a hard drive.

I still use that same machine and have no plans in upgrading. But Apple, they upgrade iPods all the time. Everytime you sneeze, voila! Another model iPod. The hard drives keep getting bigger, the hardware keeps getting smaller and our appetite for more, more, more just keeps expanding. Pretty soon they'll have iPods the size of a postage stamp, which is making me wonder - what is the point? Why not just go the whole hog and make them the size of a microchip and implant them under our skin then we can scan our wrists to charge them and synch them?

The original iPod - mine - I thought it was MINUSCULE! I thought it was the teensiest, sleekest piece of electronic gadgetry on the market. And it was. But now, next to the iPods of today, it looks like a great, big, hulking dinosaur! And you know what? I like it! It looks a zillion times better than the later generations. It has that iMac plastic-cover-retro-look that the later one's lack. It has scroll-wheel buttons you can actually press instead of touch. So you can keep your 3 million GB video, movie, computer game, makes your dinner, walks the dog iPods, your tiny little shuffles and your pink minis and I'll stick with my dinosaur. Thank you.

When Will Drunken Whores Be Illegal?

2006-09-07T14:34:00.000-04:00

Today that filthy piece of fluff who is famous for doing nothing except skanking up the club scene, Paris Hilton, was arrested for DUI in L.A. This amused me no end. It proved one thing to me that surprised me slightly. There are actually some cops out there who aim to preserve the law and can’t be bribed by a crisp wad of benjamins or a flash of diseased hoo-ha. Apparently Miss Hilton was just jonesing for an In-N-Out Burger (named because you gulp it down one second and it comes right back out the other end the next), which she somehow figured would cancel out the fact she was “driving erratically” at great speed.

Like Paris Hilton has the brain power to drive any other way. Tsk!

Of course that loathsome piece of filth she calls a publicist – how do publicists sleep at night when all they do is lie for a living? – claims her one drink on an empty stomach caused her to fail the sobriety test. Mmmm hmmmm. Because Paris is never seen staggering around legs akimbo, drooling on her dress, mascara all down her face, lazy eye inverted, and peeing in her panties (if she’s wearing any), then getting into her car. That’s never happened ever, huh?

I love the line in the article that states, “…she has not been charged with any offense.” Despite failing a sobriety test and being drunk while operating a vehicle and speeding. Of course it’s not like she’s getting any special treatment now, is it? I’m damn sure if it was I who was speeding throughout L.A., driving like the Road-Runner on ritalin and told the cop, “Hey man, come on, I just wanted a burger!” they’d be all, “Oh why didn’t you say so? You are free to leave!”

I hate celebrities. Especially ones with no talent, looks or brains.

Hey Dubya, Wake Up

2006-09-05T15:01:00.000-04:00

Giant Manatee Jones is getting a little pissed off at articles like, this one here, where President Bush reminds us of things we might have forgotten like America is at war and the fact that Bin Laden and his ter'rists are making their intentions clear but are we listening to what they're saying?

Firstly George, yes, we are, because you know what, every time one of those evil assmunchers so much as sneeze into a tape, we have to hear it on every TV channel, on every news site - even one's like The Sun that normally give precedence to big boobies and celebrities who have affairs with other celebrities.

These terrorists spout the same old crap every time and every time President Bush spouts the same old crap in response. Yes, we know we've apparently "made progress on the war on terror", George, you've told us 500 times. Would it be too much to ask to see what some of that "progress" might be? You shot a few more insurgents, awesome. Insurgents also blew up a few more Americans or Brits or Canadians (who aren't really there although they are), or Swedes or Italians or...

Show us the progress. I mean really. I haven't seen a lot of progress since the week we found Sadaam hiding down a hole looking like a demented Jesus if Jesus were a rat-infested baglady. Well, a baglady with a beard anyway. Hell, I still don't really know what we're doing in Iraq when we had other bigger fish to fry at the time - let me get this straight, we're still fighting Taliban in Afghanistan? We didn't maybe want to finish that job first before starting a new one?

So maybe we are making progress. Maybe I'm just too stupid to see it.

The sad thing is, Democrats, if they were in power, would be just as lousy. There isn't one Democrat with a confidence-inducing personality who would inspire hope in me as a leader. I mean no wonder a country votes for a monkey twice in a row, when our only alternative is a weasel.

Irony at Its Finest?

2006-09-05T00:55:00.000-04:00

Crikey! How unlucky does a person have to be to work every day with creatures that could snatch your life away at a moment's notice, only to die at the hands (barb?) of a being that doesn't generally kill so much as sting and that shys away from human contact unless provoked? There's some form of irony in there but I'm too tired to look for it.

The Crocodile Hunter did a lot for animals. He rehabilitated injured animals he'd nursed back to health, he rescued abused crocodiles, healed their sores and released them to the wild, or if they weren't releasable, he kept them in his compound at his zoo, where they were treated like guests.

It's a sad day for animalkind to lose a wacky guy like Steve Irwin. Even if he was bonkers and wore really gay shorts. R.I.P. Steve Irwin, you crazy Australian. We'll miss you.

Very Mundane Awards

2006-09-01T16:35:00.000-04:00

I have a suggestion to MTV for the next Video Music Awards ceremony. Instead of everyone showing up looking like a colorblind halfwit who got dressed from a prostitute's lingerie closet, all trying to outdo each other with their bad hair and handful of active braincells, all the performers, award presenters, award receivers, hosts and audience, should just be expected to show up butt-naked, that way no one would be able to pull the attention whore card and hog all the press. No?

Well, except Ice T's crazy plastic wife would probably still manage to horrify people with her giant orange boobs and enormous melon butt. If Mattel brought out "Miami Hooker Barbie" she'd look exactly like Coco T.

It's a Holiday for Hanging

2006-08-31T15:53:00.000-04:00

It's good to get a holiday. A day away from the office where you can lounge in bed till noon without calling in to work in a fake voice that sounds like you're being strangled by your tie, pretending your head or stomach or some important innard is exploding.

Labor Day has been a national holiday in the United States for over a hundred years. I'm far too lazy to look up the exact date, but it originated somewhere around the 1880s. You know, before TV and iPods and ordering pizza on the Internet. You'll just have to take my word for it, or look it up on Wikipedia. In the words of my coworker B-Rod, "If it's on Wikipedia it must be true."

Originally Labor Day was a holiday dedicated to the American workforce, celebrated mainly by the Labor Union, the Knights of Labor. That's a rad name for a union quite frankly. Unions just don't have names that cool anymore, sadly. People wouldn't mess with you with a name like Knights of Labor incase you showed up at their door with a sword, a grudge and murder in your eyes.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh yes. Over the years, Labor Day has evolved into a "party till you drop because soon it will be winter and we'll all be too cold to party and wear shorts or bikinis and run naked on the beach in a drunken stupor with a traffic cone on our heads!" type of deal. One last summer fling before we have to wear real shoes again. One final blow-out before we hibernate for the year.

Also, fashionistas claim it's the last day of the year you are permitted to wear white. Personally, Giant Manatee Jones never leaves the house without being decked out entirely in white, including a fresh Ultrabrite smile, so this information is desperately relevant.

No don't thank me.

The Definition of Wind

2006-08-30T23:28:00.000-04:00

It's hurricane season again, which means people are currently hard at work nailing down the Keys before the arrival of Mirabel or Esmerelda or Humberto or whatever the latest errant wind cousin threatening to relocate them to Oregon, might be. Plus you never know exactly what grade of storm you're going to get until it gets there.

For example, the suggestion of a "tropical storm" makes it all sound so exciting and blustery and illicit, sort of like Richard Greico at a teenage girls' sleepover.

A "Tropical depression" is a hurricane wannabe who can't quite get himself motivated to blow hard enough to even become a tropical storm. He'd rather sit on the couch eating nachos and thinking about becoming a hurricane. This is quite unlike Scott Stapp of Creed, who blows hard enough for both of them.

Then there's a "hurricane", which even at its weakest strength can get medieval on your ass, and a "typhoon" which is the same thing, only it terrorizes the West and Far East.

Also beware of "tornados" because they will spin you faster than a food processor on the ice setting, depositing you, your house and any passing cows, in a multitude of broken pieces about five miles from your usual location AND you will be missing your pants.

Rules of Flying

2006-08-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

Giant Manatee Jones is getting really fed up with the news. Raging hurricanes with absurd names, people in the Middle East being exploded against their will and apparently Britney Spears is still hosting the demon-spawn-of-Federline in her uterus.

And then there are planes plummeting out of the skies with alarming regularity. Firstly, you would think by now people would have learned the cardinal rules of flying. Namely, don't show up ten minutes before your flight expecting to be permitted to board, don't be belligerent to the on duty sky-muffins, do not bring any "motherf*ckin' snakes on the motherf*ckin' plane" and never, ever, under any circumstances - even for a bet - board a Russian built airliner.

Last week yet another
Tupolev 154 plane forgot how to fly while flying over the Ukraine. This has become so commonplace in recent years that Russian airlines have started handing out capsules of cyanide with the boarding passes. Would it really be all that surprising to find out they were filling up these aircrafts' fuel tanks with a lethal mixture of Stoli and borscht?

When it's not Russian airliners built from bolso wood and Scotch tape, it's people elsewhere, who are supposed to know better, flying the wrong plane off the wrong runway. This really has to be the epitome of a bad day for that pilot, even by Kentucky's standards. Way beyond the time a half awake Giant Manatee Jones accidentally poured orange juice on a bowl of Special K.